Things that are Gross: French Manicured Toenails

Nothing proves evolution faster than a set of french manicured toenails. Trolling my Facebook newsfeed at 11:50 pm on a Friday night, as cat ladies are wont to do, a picture of a DIY version of these bad boys popped up:

The caption on the google image I shamelessly pirated says something about "princess feet," and the summer elegance of a manicured foot-phalange. This is the problem. your foot looks like a hand now. What exacerbates the confusion is leaving the toenails long to better facilitate the paint job. That lacquered long-nailed leg ending is no longer a foot, that is an imitation of a prehensile claw.

What a French Manicured Foot indicates:

1. You do not think two hands is sufficient, lets paint the bottom appendages and see what happens
2. Strap shoes on your hands, bend over strategically and everyone will be fooled into thinking you can do a handstand
3. You are a clown and see number 2
4. It feels natural to have functional feet. Sometimes you might also enjoy tossing your poo around with pals.
5. you are an ape-princess and need beautiful feet with which to eat your mangoes. (see also #4)

To be perfectly clear, pedicures are awesome. Even if the nail technicians whisper in an unidentifiable language and giggle blatantly at my chubby midget feet, that calf rub in the middle is heaven on earth. But I get my toe-claws trimmed back and opt for a bright jewel tone, usually something to set off my library-induced pasty-pallored skin.  Because really, "I love how your toes look like a cross between ape-feet and velociraptor claws" is in fact, not a compliment.